I wanted this blog to be about my family's experience with my son's Type 1 Diabetes. My family is more than just diabetes, but I want this blog to be focused on how it affects our family. I hope other T1D parents find it helpful, and that my family and friends find it informative.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Could it be my fault?

That's the million dollar question.  The one women ask every day.  Is it my fault my toddler is a biter? Is it my fault my child is allergic to milk? Is it my fault I can't get pregnant? Is it my fault my son is getting picked on by his peers? Is it my fault my teenager is disrespectful?

Is it my fault both my kids have a form of an auto immune disease?

I can say with a 60/40 belief that no, I didn't directly "cause" this.  (At least, I didn't do something to cause it other than use my own eggs to create them.)

But is it my fault my child isn't emotionally ready for kindergarten?  His preschool teachers said he wasn't.  An independent evaluation said he wasn't.  His pediatrician said it would be best to wait a year.  Everyone agrees that my 5 year old (spring birthday) intelligent boy isn't ready to join his peers at kindergarten. 

Is this my fault?

Lets go over it-
I breast fed for over a year.
I read to him every night (okay... most nights).
I taught him his ABCs before 4.
He can count.
He can sound out 4 letter words.
I show him love and affection.
I let him voice his opinions and try to give reasons instead of commands.

I did it all right! Or did I?

I let him eat cereal for breakfast everyday instead of arguing with him.
Cereal spikes his Blood Glucose to almost 400 EVERY morning.
Blood Glucose of 400 makes him irritable, frustrated, emotional, and cranky.
I pack his snack on school days.  Its always healthy, but I ask his teachers to dose him for 5 carbs less than he actually eats.  I do this because I am terrified of him experiencing a low at school, away from me.  I can see the lows, I don't know if anyone else can.  So I run him slightly high. 
Most of the time, running slightly high is fine.  He is between 150-200 when I pick him up.  Not a range that would cause the emotional and irritated symptoms of a high.  BUT, there are times I pick him up and he is over 350.  I imagine how hard of a day he must have had.  Its the same day he may always have, but experiencing it with HIGH blood sugar means he had a hard day.
He's emotionally not ready for kindergarten they say... and I agree now.
But is it my fault? 
If I insisted on eggs and fruit would he have these emotional delays? 
Did my decision to allow cereal for breakfast change the course of my child's future?

I don't know, and maybe it doesn't seem to matter to you.  But for me, watching all the newsfeeds on social media of all my friends sending their children to kindergarten, looking at my 5 year old who cries when his 2 year old sister takes his toys.... I wonder...

It won't matter in 6 years.  It might not even matter in 6 weeks, but today I feel a huge amount of guilt.  Guilt that it might be my fault, and guilt that I am so incredibly relieved that I don't have to send him to a new school.  Guilt in my relief that I don't have to send him to a new place and trust that they wont make a fatal mistake.  How the heck do other T1 parents ever let them go?

I have friends who are sending their 5 year olds to kinder this fall, as well as friends choosing to wait a year like we are.  The only thing that helps me sleep at night is we ALL seem to be worried about if we are doing the right thing, regardless of the choice.  To these ladies, I can't wait to see what we lose sleep over next! 

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